Shorts; am I Goldilocks?


I’m sure you’re all familiar with the story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears, with the blonde-tressed beauty always searching for what is “just right” for her. Well, I feel like Goldi-bloomin’-locks right now but with shorter, frizzier and rootsier hair. (Yes, rootsier – it’s a new word.)

The reason for this stress is that I’ve been trying to buy some shorts for the summer. Usually I go to beach destinations so I wear bikinis in the day, dresses and skirts at night and I’m fine. This year, I’m heading to Athens and I need something I can wear when I go exploring that’s not going to expose my bottom to the world if it’s windy or if I’m climbing up a mountain. Which I do regularly. (Ahem!)

Given that it’s summer, you’d think that buying shorts would be easy and in theory it should be because they are in all of the shops right now. However, I am neither a skinny 19 year old, nor a dowdy 50 year old so I appear to be a little bit stuck. Plus, I also have a rather sizeable derrière which causes all manner of difficulties at the best of times.

In a nutshell, here are my options:

Denim Shorts (read knickers)

Denim Shorts (read knickers)

Denim-esque saggy who-knows-whats

Denim-esque saggy who-knows-whats

Imagine my bottom in the first option; for those who don’t know me, here’s a clue: My bottom wouldn’t fit into them, they’d be halfway up my enormous butt cheeks.

Then imagine looking in the mirror when you’d put on the latter option and you realise that you’d need to dye your hair grey, add a floral blouse and some of those weird, comfy sandal things.

What about the middle ground? Where does a normal, approaching 30, cellulite-ridden, slightly podgy yet not without aspirations of one day looking fashionable person go to find shorts? HUH? Tell me, where? Oh and denim is pretty much out because I can only wear jeggings else they gape at the back because my waist doesn’t match my enormous hipbumthigh area!

That pretty much sums up my Goldilocks dilemma. Help would be greatly appreciated or even empathy would help. Bring back winter! (Oops, said that out loud.) x

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