I can only say it feels like forever since I last had time to post on here. I’ve had so many ideas pop into my head and pop right back out again when my work and social lives have taken over. Here I am though on 5th December 2014 and I’ve realised that I’ve been 29 for 5 days and not done my annual changing of age post.
In previous years my posts have been about things I wanted to achieve, fear of my age or reasons I should be positive about getting older. This year is, in some ways similar but in others it’s completely different. Over the course of this calendar year, something changed about me and I want to share it for those who are also hoping for a similar change.
I can only really remember my true thoughts and feelings as far back as when I was about 9 years old; before that it’s all just vague memories of events that happened. From the point I really remember onwards, the thing that really sticks in my head is how blue I’ve felt. People have often described me as a happy person or someone who’s always smiling but that’s never been me under the surface. Sure, I have always been game for a laugh and have found pleasure in things but it’s always been overridden by the core feeling that I wouldn’t really mind, or even at times, that I would quite like it if I didn’t wake up tomorrow.
It’s a hard thing to fight when there’s nothing really wrong but you just don’t have the zest for life you think you should have. My battle was fought by simply pretending I did, apart from those few days here and there when it was apparent to everyone that I didn’t. The days when I couldn’t get out of bed, when all I could do was stare at the wall and wish I was someone else.
Those days still come BUT the difference is that when they go, I have this overwhelming feeling of wanting to live forever. It’s like I’ve finally woken up and I’ve realised that if I never woke up again I’d be gutted, absolutely devastated, because it would mean the end of my days with my family and friends. That’s the message I wanted to share. I never thought I’d get there or feel that way but finally, at roughly age 28.5 this all clicked into place so I have entered my final year of being a 20-something with no silly objectives, no pretences, just a feeling that I’m happy to be alive. At bloody last!
So for anyone else who feels the way I felt for so long, things can change. Keep fighting and you will get there, life absolutely is worth the effort and it will all pay off.
Right now, I have 1 year left of being a 20-something and I’m going to make the most of it. What I do need to think about now is new names for my blog. I never thought I’d keep it going this long when I started it but at times it’s been a lifeline, something connecting me to the world when I was struggling to do so in reality.
Happy December everyone! Enjoy “the most wonderful time of the year”!!! x