A State of Balance

This one’s for you, mum and it’s to mark the date that for me represents half my life lived with you and half lived without you.

It’s a bit of a tricky post to start, really; you’ve missed 14 years of my life and a heck of a lot’s happened in that time. In fact, it goes beyond that because you’ve missed 14 years of baby sister’s life as well so you’ve missed absolutely heaps.

Part of me wants to write this sympathetically and fill you in on what you’re missing so you don’t feel so far away but another part of me hates you for the fact that you aren’t here to know it all already, so I can only apologise for what is most definitely not my best writing. Another problem I’m having writing this is that I still can’t think about you without crying and I mean really crying, big, sploshy tears landing on the keyboard. It’s not just that I miss you, it’s that I feel so guilty for being happy when I never succeeded in making you happy and that hurts. A lot.

Anyway, let’s get started on filling you in…

School – as long ago as it seems, sis and I were both in school when you buggered on off so I should probably start there. We both did ok. Well, I did ok because I did sod all work and sis did incredibly well because she worked her little bottom off. I bet you’d never have put money on sis being the one to get the better grades but she did and we’re all really proud of her.

Uni – we both went and we both ended up at Southampton. Again, sis worked hard and got a 1st; I didn’t and got a 2:1. I did leave with more confidence though and I was in a couple of plays. Hopefully that makes you smile after you spent so long trying to make me quit Kendrick and go to drama school instead!

Work – Sis is an Audiologist; she’s properly driven by her own hearing and ear-based problems and she’s incredibly good at what she does. She set out to achieve this and she’s done it. She was asked to go back to uni and complete a PhD but she hasn’t taken that path yet (though I keep trying to persuade her).

Me, I work for a small software company. I’ve had lots of different jobs and I’ve never really wanted any of them. Finally, this one is one that I actively chose rather than landed in and I’ve been there for nearly a year with no intention of leaving. It’s a record! I knew it would happen one day but I did start to lose a bit of faith along the way!

In fact, I’ve found it pretty tough making decisions since you left. I’d never really realised but I used to just aim for what I thought you wanted me to aim for. When you weren’t there, I was pretty lost. The trouble was, it took me 10 years to realise I was lost. 10 years of up and down depression, 10 years of eating any old junk food just because you’d never know and 10 years of following the crowd. I had some rubbish relationships in those 10 years too! In the last year or 2, I’ve finally got some kind of a hold over my life and luckily received a very generous inheritance to wipe away a lot of my mistakes. I’m definitely on the up now 🙂

Umm…ooh, how about boys??? I know you’d want to know! I know you used to listen to my phone conversations with boys so you must want to know! We’ve got mobiles now by the way – dad finally relented after you left. He’s been awesome by the way, like really super amazingly cool. I never really thought he had it in him before but now I’ve got to know him, I couldn’t be happier or more proud that he’s my daddy!

Anyway, back to the boys…

Sis had a few short-term things with a interesting mix of guys, ranging from articulate and intelligent to stereotypically grunty and spotty! Then she met the guy she’s with now. He’s lovely! Very quiet but also confident enough not to take too much shit from her. They live together and it all seems to be going very well. The rest of us are guessing about when they’ll get married!!!

I’ve also finally found a boy that I really like. I didn’t think I had it in me to be a cuddly, caring type and I’m sure you’ll remember that I never really did ask for cuddles as a kid either. Well, turns out I am like that but only with him. We had a bumpy year on our way to where we are now but he’s awesome and he’s the only person who makes me feel as safe as you did when he cuddles me. I absolutely promise you that you would have loved him. He’s a Libra too, so you’ve already got something in common!

There’s so much other stuff you’ve missed: driving tests, holidays with friends, holidays with family, moving out of home, some of our cousins getting married, friends changing, family changing. You weren’t there when I moved in with a previous bf, or when he moved out; you haven’t seen Sis’ flashy new car or the lovely flat I’m living in. You wouldn’t even know who my flatmate is even though she’s been a friend for years now.

I couldn’t possibly fill you in on everything.

I will just highlight the family changing bit though. Dad re-married so Sis and I inherited a step-mum and an older brother. In fact, we are both aunties because he’s even started building the next generation of our family. Luckily, dad made a good choice so we’re all very happy and family occasions are both fun and funny!

So I guess that’s it really, I’m not sure what else to say. As angry as I am at you, I’m much more angry at myself and you should know that I don’t really blame you. I still love you, I always will but I don’t understand it and that causes me a few problems. I know I haven’t visited since 2006 but that stone in the ground just isn’t you. What I want from you is a cuddle and an explanation but I know I’ll never get them so I’ve learned to accept that some things are just unknown. I like to think you’re still doing your best to look after me and that’s enough to keep me sane but it doesn’t make me miss you any less. Really and truly, I hope you are happier now because when I am reunited with you, I’d like you to be smiling!

Lots of love,

Me xxx



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