Hello friends! Can you believe we are nearly at the end of September already? This year is flying by and we are officially back into my favourite time of year, September to December. Or as I call it, Party Season!
Whilst I’ve just been bumbling around in my own little world for the last few weeks, I did actually pop out of my bubble long enough to realise that we’ve just had LFW and therefore, we’ve just had my 1 year anniversary of being single. I know I dated someone for a few months earlier this year but really I’ve spent most of the last year as a single girl. This is the first time I’ve been single for any significant time since I was 14! On that basis, I thought I should probably reflect on what I’ve learned this last year because I’m a very different person now to who I was then and I’m a million, zillion percent happier than I’ve ever been in my entire life.
I literally cannot comprehend that this time last year I wasn’t eating, couldn’t sleep and generally felt like I’d messed up everything I’d ever done and would continue to do so with all future ventures. Obviously I was heartbroken but I wasn’t really mourning the loss of the man who I’d split up with, I was heartbroken that I’d failed again. I blamed myself for the whole relationship going wrong and that just wasn’t the case. Yes, I played a part in it and I definitely was not a perfect girlfriend but he was not a perfect boyfriend either. It took me quite a while to really make that stick in my head but once it did, it made me realise that not everything that goes wrong is my fault.
Since then, I’ve been on a number of dates with a variety of guys, some great, some ok and some plain terrible. I’ve also dated the aforementioned guy who was exactly the reality check I needed. Dating him raised the bar so far beyond where other relationships and boyfriends had been because for the first time ever, I’d been fussy and found someone who I liked as a whole package. Now I know there are guys out there like that, I’m not settling for less again!
That mentality has carried further into my life than just relationships…I’ve spent a year fending for myself, proving that I can survive the tough times. I can keep myself alive and I do have a great family and friends around me to keep me entertained and for the odd hug when things are difficult. More than that though, I’ve realised that I can’t “fake it”. I’ve spent most of my life trying to fit one mould or another and I’ve never felt happy. I hadn’t necessarily realised that was the case before now but looking back, it’s blindingly obvious why I’ve spent so much time feeling miserable; I’ve rarely spent any time pursuing the things that my gut told me were right. I think this could be one of those things that you learn as you get older and I’m possibly a bit behind the curve in learning it but I’ve got there now!
This year has been absolutely invaluable because it’s forced me out of my comfort zone of following the lead of other people and I finally know, at nearly 28 years old, that I can look after myself. I will be ok and it’s not a problem that things go wrong because life is all about learning from those experiences. I live a life of extreme highs and lows but that’s what I’ve always wanted so who is anyone else to tell me that I need to keep things on a more even keel?
So here I am a year later, still single, without a proper job, totally broke and happier than I can ever remember. Sometimes things really do happen for a reason, even though it’s hard to see that reason at the time. This year has been a rollercoaster and a half but the ride has been thrilling and has smashed away the blocks I had been building my life on. It’s given me the opportunity to re-build from the ground up and this time the blocks have been replaced with balloons. They may burst, they could float away but whilst they’re there they are colourful, fun and anything but a heavy burden to carry around. x
30 Something Dreamer 